Jessica Simpson's Journal

Sometimes its hard to be always optimistic and cheerful. The alarm clock buzzes/rings/pings and I really want to pull the blankets over my head somedays and just hide but I don't. I get up, face the day and take it on with a smile because you never know when it'll be your last. This year is going to be better than last, it has to be. I love people, God has a plan for me and I know what it is but honestly its hard to push past the bad words and vicious things said. I can't even joke in an interview without it being turned into "Wow that Jessica Simpson is a real twit!" I've had a blessed life but somedas its just like high school again, this time with money and better clothes. When I was a kid and still in school, I got picked on so much because I had a record deal at a young age, then when the album didn't come out, I was of course called a liar and an attention whore. Also, because I didn't really date and if I did, I wasn't the girl you could make out and do things with, the guys all started rumors about me, which in turn got the girls hating on me. You don't know how many times we woke up to the yard TP'ed and lesbian spray painted on the door. I mean really? Kids are vicious and I know that I will be damned if anyone makes my little Christopher feel this way. Don't get me wrong, my parents did what they could but growing up in a Christian home, I was always taught to turn the other cheek. they would get theirs. Which in a sense they did, because when I'm back home and they're all working these boring 9-5's or standing behind a counter at Subway, I would like to think that I have done better for myself. Still, having money and a certain bit of fame doesn't make all the bad go away.

3-0. Yep, 30! I'm 30 years old and I have no shame in admiting that its only recently, in the past 4 or 5 years that I even feel like an adult. My parents did everything for me, as did Nick. Everything!! I didn't even know how to write a fucking check. Spending money was just like... psh whatever, there is more to be had! I didn't know that we had a mortage, water, gas, trash, electric, car payments, credit card payments, someone always took care of that for me. Then when I finally decided that I was done with my marriage, I started to take things in my own hands. I mean there has to come a point where you cut the cord. People might still say I'm still under a lot of control with my dad being my manager and co-producer on things but we're more partners in business ventures. Yes, my mother helps me with the Jessica Simpson Collection but I love my family and I don't really give a damn if people think. Though, in recent times my sister and I haven't been extremely close, it only makes me sad that I don't get to see my nephew as much as I would like to.

Making The Price of Beauty after the year I had, made me feel like I have grown a lot. I don't look at "beauty" the same as before. At least I try not to because I've realized its not the same everywhere you go. What you might think is pretty, might be ugly and wrong to someone else. You are who you are, if you don't love yourself how are you going to ever truly love someone else? There is beauty in everyone, sometimes its hard to see because an attitude, or you're just looking at what's on the exterior but you have to look past it. Just because its not pleasing to the eye doesn't mean it won't be pleasing to the mind. My relationship is the prime example I guess you could say. The show idea came around at hte perfect I was getting over the issues that came about with the whole "mom" jeans and wow jessica is FAT, ordeal. He let me hide away and treated me like a real lady. It was just what I needed to hopefully get people to know me because all anyone see's is blond hair and big boobs, I'm afraid.

I am conscious of how people precieve me and I know deep in my heart that there is nothing that anyone can say about me that can take me to a dark place anymore. I'm content with who I am and what I look like. sure I still say things that make people life a brow because they think its just weird but at this point, I'm not going to live my life for anyone but myself. Every night when I get into bed I thank God for all that he's given me and don't take a single thing for granted. Its just hard sometimes to get up and motivated because I know whats being sad, just because I am here saying that it doesn't mean anything to be that people can say whatever they want, still doesn't make it okay. Today I read that my show was a "flop" because I only had 1.5 million viewers. I read that it is cute on the outside but empty on the inside. Jessica Simpson is just another D list celebrity that has too much money and time on her hands so she tries to continue to make herself relevant Wow... that is a hard pill to swallow, it doesn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth though because the people I made this show for, they enjoyed it. I am a better person for taking the journey of self discovery.

Current Mood: calm